Cruel. Not for everyone. "Ode to a Migraine"

How do I Hate thee? Let me count the ways.
I Hate thee to the depth and breadth and height
My rage can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of seeing and ideal face.
I Hate thee to the level of every day's
Most vengeful need, by sun and fluoro-light.
I Hate thee freely, as men strive to fight.
I Hate thee purely, as they falsely praise.
I Hate thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my unholy faith.
I Hate thee with a Hate I seemed to gain
With my murdered saints. I Hate thee with breath,
Gasps, tears, of all my crying, and, if God claim
I shall but Hate thee better after death.


With many, many apologies to Elizabeth Barrett Browning.

Sometimes, despair.

can't stop cursing. probably will not stop cursing for a long time.

digital Postsecret card made by me. RIP Michael.

Because I Don't Wish To Discuss It

Instead, you all get lyrics. It should convey enough.

Depeche Mode - Wrong

I was born with the wrong sign in the wrong house
With the wrong ascendancy
I took the wrong road
That led to the wrong tendencies
I was in the wrong place at the wrong time
For the wrong reason and the wrong rhyme
On the wrong day of the wrong week
Used the wrong method with the wrong technique
Wrong

Theres something wrong with me
Chemically
Something wrong with me
Inherently

The wrong mix in the wrong genes
I reached the wrong ends by the wrong means
It was the wrong plan in the wrong hands
With the wrong theory for the wrong man
The wrong lies, on the wrong vibes
The wrong questions with the wrong replies
Wrong

I was marching to the wrong drum with the wrong scum
Pissing out the wrong energy
Using all the wrong lines and the wrong signs
With the wrong intensity
I was on the wrong page of the wrong book
With the wrong rendition of the wrong hook
Made the wrong move, every wrong night
With the wrong tune played till it sounded right
Wrong

Too long
Wrong
(X4)

I was born with the wrong sign in the wrong house
With the wrong ascendancy
I took the wrong road that led to the wrong tendencies
I was in the wrong place at the wrong time
For the wrong reason and the wrong rhyme
On the wrong day of the wrong week
Used the wrong method with the wrong technique
Wrong

What does One do...

...with helplessness?

In this world, there are people who are able to compartmentalize themselves or are able to compartmentalize their lives. They are able to separate themselves easily from the things that they are feeling. They can forget, bury, disremember... They shove emotional needs to the side; they repress. Stiff upper lip, don't embarrass yourself, and whatnot.

I read this dissertation about love, and I both despaired and delighted. Too little too late, maybe? I should have read this back in 2001, when it could have done me a world of good, at a point where I could have forgiven my own heart.

Now, I don't think I can.

Happy Whatever Day You Celebrate.

Shaman's Song - because I desperately miss her.

Shaman's Song (05-29-05)

we never visited this stark place together.
no witness to endurance, lip against stone,
casting our words into the impersonal ground.

we went separately, alone, to have our
moments in the silence-charged air -
pressed our backs to the hill and gazed
into the shared emptiness of grief
as though watching for a hunter
to return to us with the prey,

no comfort when the night's waiting brings only hunger.

sadness became the statuary that marked the entrance to our village
beyond warning and counsel it mapped boundary to boundary
by the fires we danced a prayer to no known god
and asked for blessings we would not comprehend.
our totems faced each other across the black river
our meetingground bare as granite under
a pockmarked sky -

now the flood dredges silt from years of decay
to stuff the mouths and lungs of carved bears you made

while my bank is still cluttered with the pennies of wishes.
your face is added to my column
and lip against stone i cast my words
into the unshared silence you left behind--

does it fly in the face of freedom
to ask that you be bound to us