Hey, lookit that, I made it to 200 posts without mothballing or deleting more than 2 or 3 posts! The only time I made it this far before was on LiveJournal, where I could control who saw what. The problem with LiveJournal was that I noticed my ability to restrict content viewing also encouraged my more negative habits. Definitely a bad scene.
I like being in a place where I can turn a crying jag into something supportive *and* silly... :)
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Friday, February 24, 2012
My Evening At The Overwhelm Bawl
This week contained a lot of malfunctioning and craziness. With the many things that went awry during the weekend, Monday I hit that ugly point of overwhelm that got me breaking down. It didn't last too long, and once I let myself have a big chunk of self-pity time I managed to get myself together and head to the accountant. (Yay Accountant! I have the most excellent CPA ever.)
So a few days ago, thinking about what people call a "Pity Party" and really understanding how useful it can be, I decided to set up a real, deliberate engagement with that kind of emotion. I spent part of the evening thinking through what a Pity Party would be, how we'd get invitations and party hats and whatnot, and then I had this zen electroshock moment of
it should be a BALL. Except everyone attending will be encouraged to cry and scream, so it's a BAWL.
I am fleshing this out with COSTUMES. The Overwhelm Bawl would be a masquerade of sorts. Everyone who attends gets mascara face-streaks (male and female!) and gets to walk around with hand on forehead.
It has been getting fun. I am planning a whole evening of just me, being presented with crudites and prosecco in glasses that I can smash in a temper. I get to tear up a bridesmaid dress. I am excited. :)
So a few days ago, thinking about what people call a "Pity Party" and really understanding how useful it can be, I decided to set up a real, deliberate engagement with that kind of emotion. I spent part of the evening thinking through what a Pity Party would be, how we'd get invitations and party hats and whatnot, and then I had this zen electroshock moment of
it should be a BALL. Except everyone attending will be encouraged to cry and scream, so it's a BAWL.
I am fleshing this out with COSTUMES. The Overwhelm Bawl would be a masquerade of sorts. Everyone who attends gets mascara face-streaks (male and female!) and gets to walk around with hand on forehead.
It has been getting fun. I am planning a whole evening of just me, being presented with crudites and prosecco in glasses that I can smash in a temper. I get to tear up a bridesmaid dress. I am excited. :)
Monday, February 20, 2012
And In Other News - Mechanique!
A round of applause to Genevieve Valentine for her Nebula nomination for Mechanique: A Tale of the Circus Tresaulti. I gave it a quick review at Goodreads but I never did do the review here... I do so love this book.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
The Senses Of An Alien
There are moments when what Havi calls the Outsider complex is joined with my fear of being misunderstood and I'm sitting there saying...
"Am I speaking in tongues? Why is nothing I am saying making sense to others? What in the world is going on?"
On work calls, I have frequently repeated the words "Does that make sense to everyone?" or "I think I didn't make sense back there."
Pattern: a lot of check-in regarding sense.
And I think a lot of why this disconnect comes up in my language and my word choice is because I know, for a fact, that I do not experience the world via my senses in the ways that other people do, and as a result I don't make sense to people.
This is a large part of the reason why the Lovelyman and I work so amazingly together - there is a shared experience of "My body has these sensations and needs that NO ONE ELSE KNOWS OR UNDERSTANDS -- except for you, yay! You know these sensations and you get why they're important to me." We can be sympathetic and supportive of the needs we have to receive a particular kind of platonic contact often, every day, as much as we can. We lived a long long time without them, grasping at straws we didn't understand, and when we met each other the first time there was a weird kind of recognition that there was no need to be cryptic or vague about what we went through on an everyday basis - all was understood.
So here we both are, now.
One of the weirdest things about having a partner in this? Even if he doesn't share the intensity of the sensate issues?
Occasionally it is MORE difficult to live in a world where no one else has the sensory experiences we do. Because we know it is possible for someone else to understand.
So I have a lot more forgiveness for my Cryptic Armor. A LOT more forgiveness. I can experience this stuff, but I can't find words to describe that experience, so where do I go to explain that? What language is available; what metaphors can exist? What can I invent that would still be understandable?
SEGUE INTO...
This is the reason why I resist Havi's (and others') "superpowers" metaphor so often. I see the reference to wishing for superpowers a lot, across many different creative, entrepreneurial blogs and websites. But my defenses refuse access to that idea. I try and oh look there's my Stuff coming up.
So as part of VPAs with Havi the past two weeks, I asked my subconscious for a new metaphor for superpowers and decided to work on the why of my reaction as a way to get there. Last week I specifically decided to look at the superheroines I admired and to see where that went.
Well, that certainly got to the why of it. Ouch.
I can only imagine how Wonder Woman felt, being stronger and more intelligent than the majority of men around you but still being spoken down to ALL THE TIME, after coming from a place where even a monarchy believed in basic equality. I also can't imagine having the speed she had, feeling the world around her slowly and syrupy. Finally, what a burden to know she could force anyone she wishes to tell the truth to her question, and how tempting it would be to use that all the time in human interactions.
I can't - I mean, truly can't - imagine how poor Jean Grey felt, being telepathic AND telekinetic, vastly more powerful than her teacher... and how insanely hard it must have been *just to exist on a daily basis.*
I can only imagine how Supergirl *actually* feels, having x-ray vision and super-hearing she can't really turn off. (The writers never mention the fact that Superman/Supergirl etc would be able to see and hear everything, not just selective stuff.) Additionally, she is REALLY an alien, thrown from another planet into a fairly savage civilization. Talk about disconnect.
Let me not start on poor Valkyrie... HOST BODIES should be enough to convey the point.
And finally, Thorn of Rose and the Thorn. Her? Her pain I know personally.
Given this, it's very clear why I have issues with superpowers. For the longest time, the sensate experience was like a small superpower. I just sense much too much about who people are through their skin. The moment I touch them, all is changed*. Even if I hide it. But the superpower is such that I cannot stop touching people. I remember at the wine store, that was a little "trick" I had. I'd hold someone's hand, and suddenly I'd "know" all of these things about them, and often the recipient was spooked. And sadly, it has interfered with my life and my relationships for so long that I really resent it, even now when I have the Lovelyman to share it with me.
This doesn't mean I have a new metaphor, though. I'm still working on that one. Also, trying to work on forgiveness of the superpower. I think that'll take a while.
* Though I admit it has made hiring people an art. I know who'll fit, even if it takes them a while to mesh.
"Am I speaking in tongues? Why is nothing I am saying making sense to others? What in the world is going on?"
On work calls, I have frequently repeated the words "Does that make sense to everyone?" or "I think I didn't make sense back there."
Pattern: a lot of check-in regarding sense.
And I think a lot of why this disconnect comes up in my language and my word choice is because I know, for a fact, that I do not experience the world via my senses in the ways that other people do, and as a result I don't make sense to people.
This is a large part of the reason why the Lovelyman and I work so amazingly together - there is a shared experience of "My body has these sensations and needs that NO ONE ELSE KNOWS OR UNDERSTANDS -- except for you, yay! You know these sensations and you get why they're important to me." We can be sympathetic and supportive of the needs we have to receive a particular kind of platonic contact often, every day, as much as we can. We lived a long long time without them, grasping at straws we didn't understand, and when we met each other the first time there was a weird kind of recognition that there was no need to be cryptic or vague about what we went through on an everyday basis - all was understood.
So here we both are, now.
One of the weirdest things about having a partner in this? Even if he doesn't share the intensity of the sensate issues?
Occasionally it is MORE difficult to live in a world where no one else has the sensory experiences we do. Because we know it is possible for someone else to understand.
So I have a lot more forgiveness for my Cryptic Armor. A LOT more forgiveness. I can experience this stuff, but I can't find words to describe that experience, so where do I go to explain that? What language is available; what metaphors can exist? What can I invent that would still be understandable?
SEGUE INTO...
This is the reason why I resist Havi's (and others') "superpowers" metaphor so often. I see the reference to wishing for superpowers a lot, across many different creative, entrepreneurial blogs and websites. But my defenses refuse access to that idea. I try and oh look there's my Stuff coming up.
So as part of VPAs with Havi the past two weeks, I asked my subconscious for a new metaphor for superpowers and decided to work on the why of my reaction as a way to get there. Last week I specifically decided to look at the superheroines I admired and to see where that went.
Well, that certainly got to the why of it. Ouch.
I can only imagine how Wonder Woman felt, being stronger and more intelligent than the majority of men around you but still being spoken down to ALL THE TIME, after coming from a place where even a monarchy believed in basic equality. I also can't imagine having the speed she had, feeling the world around her slowly and syrupy. Finally, what a burden to know she could force anyone she wishes to tell the truth to her question, and how tempting it would be to use that all the time in human interactions.
I can't - I mean, truly can't - imagine how poor Jean Grey felt, being telepathic AND telekinetic, vastly more powerful than her teacher... and how insanely hard it must have been *just to exist on a daily basis.*
I can only imagine how Supergirl *actually* feels, having x-ray vision and super-hearing she can't really turn off. (The writers never mention the fact that Superman/Supergirl etc would be able to see and hear everything, not just selective stuff.) Additionally, she is REALLY an alien, thrown from another planet into a fairly savage civilization. Talk about disconnect.
Let me not start on poor Valkyrie... HOST BODIES should be enough to convey the point.
And finally, Thorn of Rose and the Thorn. Her? Her pain I know personally.
Given this, it's very clear why I have issues with superpowers. For the longest time, the sensate experience was like a small superpower. I just sense much too much about who people are through their skin. The moment I touch them, all is changed*. Even if I hide it. But the superpower is such that I cannot stop touching people. I remember at the wine store, that was a little "trick" I had. I'd hold someone's hand, and suddenly I'd "know" all of these things about them, and often the recipient was spooked. And sadly, it has interfered with my life and my relationships for so long that I really resent it, even now when I have the Lovelyman to share it with me.
This doesn't mean I have a new metaphor, though. I'm still working on that one. Also, trying to work on forgiveness of the superpower. I think that'll take a while.
* Though I admit it has made hiring people an art. I know who'll fit, even if it takes them a while to mesh.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Monday, February 13, 2012
Trying To Release The Cryptic Armor
It's a pity that I don't have an editor for my blog. ;)
I just reread "Owning Connotation" and really, I have to laugh. I don't think I got my point across at all because I was so busy couching my words in incredibly non-specific language. It's not something I do consciously, but something that happens in general whenever I write about myself. I try to write specifically, but it doesn't sound right and later I'm deleting a ton of stuff from my blog because it strikes me as overly defensive or TMI or some such. That's if I don't end up mothballing/deleting the blog altogether, which I've done about 5 or 6 times by my memory...
One of the reasons why I love following blogs by authors like Neil Gaiman and John Scalzi is because they are clear and direct without ever sounding overindulgent or boring. They rarely, if ever, lose the attention of their readers. I've tried to take lessons from them, but there are a lot of goals that have been ongoing - things I can't quite get to, and after reading a lot of the blog I'm starting to think I'm too conflicted to really want to. I want to describe the amazing things I experience but can't get to the true quality of it because it's me I'm talking about.
This is probably why Twitter works really well for me.
I am going to try to not cannibalize and rip apart my blog, but I can't guarantee it. I'd rather get rid of the armor, or put on a new kind. I'll keep folks posted.
I just reread "Owning Connotation" and really, I have to laugh. I don't think I got my point across at all because I was so busy couching my words in incredibly non-specific language. It's not something I do consciously, but something that happens in general whenever I write about myself. I try to write specifically, but it doesn't sound right and later I'm deleting a ton of stuff from my blog because it strikes me as overly defensive or TMI or some such. That's if I don't end up mothballing/deleting the blog altogether, which I've done about 5 or 6 times by my memory...
One of the reasons why I love following blogs by authors like Neil Gaiman and John Scalzi is because they are clear and direct without ever sounding overindulgent or boring. They rarely, if ever, lose the attention of their readers. I've tried to take lessons from them, but there are a lot of goals that have been ongoing - things I can't quite get to, and after reading a lot of the blog I'm starting to think I'm too conflicted to really want to. I want to describe the amazing things I experience but can't get to the true quality of it because it's me I'm talking about.
This is probably why Twitter works really well for me.
I am going to try to not cannibalize and rip apart my blog, but I can't guarantee it. I'd rather get rid of the armor, or put on a new kind. I'll keep folks posted.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Another Pearl On The String
The other day I was reading through Twitter when I saw a link posted by John Cusack about Barry Michels and Phil Stutz's therapy drawings. I opened the link and took a quick glance, then went on to do other things.
I've had it as one of my tabs in my browser for a while, and I'd read a little bit each time I was on the computer. It was pretty good stuff, but it was also kind of dry and pedantic and I didn't get too engaged with it.
Then I read the last page, and read:
"your job is simply to put another pearl on the string, regardless of how big or small the event is."
Sudden moment of zen electroshock: I realized that this statement, turned on its head, could mean "every event in your life is worthy to be regarded as a pearl."
This has been turning over in my head for a while. I love the idea of each step being equal, of a goal not trumping the way in which we live. I don't write like this, but I'm starting to think I should...
I've had it as one of my tabs in my browser for a while, and I'd read a little bit each time I was on the computer. It was pretty good stuff, but it was also kind of dry and pedantic and I didn't get too engaged with it.
Then I read the last page, and read:
"your job is simply to put another pearl on the string, regardless of how big or small the event is."
Sudden moment of zen electroshock: I realized that this statement, turned on its head, could mean "every event in your life is worthy to be regarded as a pearl."
This has been turning over in my head for a while. I love the idea of each step being equal, of a goal not trumping the way in which we live. I don't write like this, but I'm starting to think I should...
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